Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
