I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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