I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I deserve this hangover.
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