so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
