he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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