DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
