zippers are such a cool invention
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
