wanna go halves on a baby?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
