in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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