I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
