i think my tv is drunk
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
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I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
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I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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