just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
