I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
