My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i need some magic done to my vagina
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