We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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