Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
