Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize