I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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