I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
