New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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