i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
