He asked to "fluff my boner.."
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
