Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
