I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
