If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
someone owes me an orgasm
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
