your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
