when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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