Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
