I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
is that a dick in a sweater?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
