I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
