Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
