I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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