there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
