Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
