Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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