At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
