I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
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I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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