My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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