woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
