Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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