Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
