"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
