have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize