i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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