dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
