I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
