he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
