it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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