I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
