id be glad to
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
All the doctor said was why
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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