I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
