I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
