Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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