where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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