two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you would pick up someone in the library
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
