She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
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I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
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You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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