The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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