4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
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